" We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other peoples' models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open."
--Shakti Gawain

In April 1997 I went on a vision quest in the desert outside of Sedona, Az. While out there I was waiting for a profound insight to hit me in the head like a bolt of lightning. I then realized that this was an attitude of separation from God, like "something out there" was going to enlighten me. Therefore, I decided to write my own "profound realization" just as I script my own life's movie. Here it is, unedited, just for fun..

I am part of the center of the universe because I have a soul and am part of God. If God can do anything so can I. I have access to all creative energy that God has access to, which is infinite. Therefore, I can create my life any way I choose. It is also a responsibility and no one else can be blamed. I am worthy of the best because God and I are one. I shall therefore no longer cop to "I don't know" but instead make choices that feel right to me at the moment. Most of which don't need to be analyzed to death but instead acted upon by natural knowing, deep inside. Ego choices may be confusing, at first, but should appear evident as such, early in the game. I will keep myself alert for opportunities to follow a new path should that arise and if things are not as I wish I will expose myself to new possibilities until what I need to know next is made known to me. I will be open to change, balanced against peace and harmony. I will actively pursue the appreciation of life everyday, giving thanks for what I have and expressing my desires and intentions in order to make them manifest. I will not let the past affect decisions I make now. I will stay in the present, noticing when I get off course to correct my direction.

This doesn't have to be complicated unless a person wants it that way. I know what I want:

• To be free to be who I am
• To have a mate, partner, lover to share life with and grow together
• To have a family and friends, a community that I am a part of, contribute to, and grow from
• To have a satisfying job to do/purpose in life, that expresses my creativity in a way that gives me pleasure and heals me as well as others
• To give to my people in many ways. One of which is pro-bono websites for worthy causes. :)

From now on I will treat myself like I am deserving, not shy away from receiving. And freely give back, not the debit/credit routine but because it feels good to give. I will do things that deep down truly feel good. I will do my work when I want to, not out of duty or self imposed pressure. All will happen just in time as it was meant to. No more stressing, guilt, or forced creativity (oxymoron!). Let go of those negative attitudes and the creativity will flow. Make time for friends, for nature, for reading, for movies, for biking, whatever truly makes my heart sing because a singing heart does wonders for the world!

I know this stuff is true. Now is the time to actually live it and watch it work!

PS.. I wrote this eight years ago, and basically it set me off in the right direction. I have moved, shifted and grown in my thinking but the basics still hold true.

On the quest I also came up with a list of attributes I was looking for in a mate. This is not a checklist but more of an exercise. In order to get what you want you must first know what you desire. So since I was being so open I thought I would list these too...

A woman who knows how to laugh, that gets so much joy from life it's contagious.

A woman who knows how to cry and communicates her sadness in an open, none defensive or non-combative way. Someone who honestly and openly conveys her feelings.

A woman who loves cooking for the joy of it and for doing something nice for others and enjoys sharing this experience with me. But I'm not looking for a cook, thats not the point. :)

A woman who gives of herself fully but saves some for her own regeneration and growth, and some for her mate.

A woman who's eyes lock with mine in an indescribable passion that goes to our souls. We can make love with our eyes.

A woman who is supportive, yet calls me on my stuff. Knows how to critique me in a way that I receive it.

A woman who is positive and knows everything is for a reason, but also does not feel the necessity to know the reason for everything.

A woman who chooses not to be a victim and knows that we create our own reality.

A woman who is intuitive and knows more than I do in some areas, but teaches me to know.

A woman who is as at ease dancing and partying as she is at meditating.

A woman who is strong but appreciates strengths that I can provide for her.

A woman who loves music and who's body moves gracefully in dance, uninhibited, smooth and sensually.

A woman who is emotionally available to love me and accept me for the unique individual I am.... and who I accept and love as the unique individual she is and together, we choose to share our lifes adventures.

A woman who shares, with me, a mutual trust and commitment to be there for each other in good times and bad. A commitment to work thru issues as they come up and not run from them.

And... as a footnote.. i found her! She's my Kate, soon to be my wife. We now own a home together in Colfax (www.geoffpanek.com) with our two dogs (Ben and Biggs) and a cat named Jeli, and are a so very happy. Funny how some people said I was asking for too much. :)