September 8, 2007

Resisting the Urge to Throw a Pain Ball
By Serena Fennell

Some time ago, a friend and I came up with the term “pain ball”: a reference to when our feelings get hurt and we want to roll them up into a ball and throw them back so the other person will be in pain with us. We have been contemplating how to go from this defense mechanism to a place, where both parties feel safe. Then this friend invited me to a nonviolent communication workshop led by its founder, Marshall Rosenberg. As I listened to Marshall, I started to realize that he was offering a tool to dissolve this pain ball into four separate parts; observations, feelings, needs and requests.

In the early 1960’s, Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication, which emerged from his work with civil rights activists. This body of work has been embraced world wide as a powerful tool for peacefully resolving differences at personal, professional, and political levels. Most significantly, he has worked to promote reconciliation and peaceful resolution of differences by conducting nonviolent communication trainings in war-torn areas and economically disadvantaged countries such as Rwanda, Burundi, Nigeria, Israel, Palestine, and Croatia.

The principles of nonviolent communication are clearly written out by Rosenberg. He has a talent of clarifying how simple (not to be confused with easy) this work can be. Applying NVC principles requires a strong determination to step out of polarized thinking, which is embedded in our cultural thought process. Utilizing the tool of nonviolent communication with proficiency is a skill that takes time to develop. Therefore, if the person using NVC does not have the willingness or desire to let go of their individual pain ball, this method will not work. However, if there is one party who holds the intent for all parties’ needs to be met, the pain ball that has been thrown around will be deflated. The success of nonviolent communication tools comes from this intention.

In our modern culture we have been taught there is a right way and a wrong way to behave and that people who are different from us are bad or wrong. When we label others as bad we have polarized ourselves away from them, thereby making it difficult to truly connect with them. This way of thinking can be used to justify oppressing other people who are different from our selves. Our current view accepts that there are people who hold power over other people and not everyone’s needs will be met. In addition, our current view accepts that there must be a compromise by either one or both parties to come to a resolution. NVC teaches that our strategies for meeting our needs may be in conflict with each other but our core needs are not. Within this framework, power could be defined as the capacity to take effective action to meet needs. NVC empowers us to identify our own personal needs and the needs of others. By doing this, we can start to focus on meeting the present needs with in a given situation.

NVC distinguishes how we listen and speak into two categories. The first category is referred to as “jackal”. In this way of communicating, you hear and speak from a judgmental mind. When a person is in a jackal mindset they are looking for something or someone to blame. The second category is referred to as “giraffe”. Giraffe was chosen to symbolize this mindset because it has the largest heart and widest prospective of all land animals. In giraffe language, a person hears and speaks no criticisms and everything that is said is in reference to feelings and needs. When the focus is on empathizing with the feelings expressed and the needs beneath them, the solution for mutually meeting each others needs can emerge.

A person can use the humorous images of Jackal and Giraffe to gauge how they are interacting with others. When a person speaks the language of jackal, a giraffe listener can help clarify which needs have not been addressed. When a jackal judges a giraffe as being wrong, a giraffe will translate the judgment, of wrong, into feelings and unmet needs. Instead of attacking or defending himself from the jackal, the giraffe focuses on, the feelings and needs that are behind the jackal’s actions. Frequently the Jackal is attacking and blaming others because it has not connected to its own feelings, or it is unaware of its needs.

NVC offers a basic model for transforming the pain ball that lies with in the hearts of jackals. When I observe A, I feel B, because I need C, so I request D. A consciousness of these components are key to letting go of our personal pain. All four of these components have the potential to liberate us from conflict and misunderstandings. Each one of these components can also be a place where we get stuck with our own jackal tendencies. It is helpful to stay connected to an intent to empathize with ourselves and the other party well in the process of using NVC. Realizing that this is a formula for empathy and that empathy is having a connection to the feelings and needs of ourselves and others. At times in the process of learning NVC it will be important to be quiet and sift through the thoughts that can distract us from our feelings. And at other times it will feel important to dive into the nity gritty and work with this formula.

Observations

NVC teaches that observation is strictly what can be witnessed on video. In observation, what we experience through our senses is void of any meaning. This act of separating our opinion from our experience has many challenges. One challenge is that people have pre-assigned their own meaning to events. We have a hard time not applying meaning to specific behavior. Once we have applied a meaning to a behavior, we have created an artificial barrier between ourselves and the person who has exhibited the behavior.

An example of a culture that does not confuse observation with feelings is the Orang Asli of Malaysia. In their language they have no verb “to be”. Marshall was working with them to preserve the forests they were living in from loggers. He asked his interpreter how to say, “you are selfish”. The interpreter said that it would be tricky to translate “selfish” into their language. Finally the interpreter said, “Marshall sees that you are taking care of your own needs before the needs of the group. Marshall would like it if you took care of the needs of the group first.” The Orang Asli naturally speak using the nonviolent communication formula. In concluding this conversation the interpreter asked, “Would you punish a plant if it did not grow? ”Implying the question “will a person grow into a better person if they are punished?” The compassion of the Orang Asli is a wonderful example of how to separate observations from feelings.

Feelings

NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, interpretations and perceptions.

Words that Interpret rather than Express Feelings:

An antidote for casting blame is empathy. In trying to learn how to empathize, people have often asked what to say, to which Marshall replies, “empathy is not what you say.” After a moment of silence he continues to talk about how empathy is about connecting with the feelings of the other person. Then he gives the verbal formula for empathizing; stating what was observed and guessing their feelings about it. If you guess wrong, the other person will clarify their feelings for you and you will have another chance to guess how they are feeling. The important thing is to stay connected with them. This does not mean that you disconnect from yourself to meet their needs. Instead, you stay connected to both your needs and their needs.

Although I consider myself to be a self-defined person, I found that my feeling vocabulary had words such as: abandoned, boxed-in, cheated, intimidated, rejected, unheard and many other words that placed my state of being onto an outer situation. As I was learning NVC, I would say, “but I feel unheard when she keeps talking about herself after I just shared something very personal.” To me it was very clear that unheard was how we feel when someone was not listening to us. The difficulty with this interpretation was that it cast blame without connecting with the feelings that would clarify what needs where not being met. Therefore when I would tell my friend that I felt unheard, she would get “defensive” and tell me that she did hear me. As long as I held onto the view that my friend was not listening to me I would be holding onto or throwing an emotional pain ball.

To apply NVC to this situation I needed to separate what actually happened from my opinion of what happened. What happened was I shared some information that was significant to me then my friend sheared some information about herself. After sharing this information I felt vulnerable, and in that moment I had a strong need to be heard and accepted. When my friend started to talk about her self I had the thought that she was not listening to me. This thought separated me from my feelings and needs and put the focus on my friend not listening to me. With this thought I was turning off my feeling barometer, which would have pointed to my unmet needs. In sharing this thought with her it was hard for her to hear any thing but judgment of her self for not listening to me. To clear up the judgment tone I could have shared with her that I felt vulnerable and that I would like some indication that she had heard me such as; repeating what I said or being silent after I spoke for a minute to help me have the sense that I was heard.

Feelings we are likely to feel when our Needs are met.

Feelings we are likely to feel when our Needs are not being met

Needs

Inbal Kashtan, the Parenting Project coordinator for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, wrote, “The premise underlying NVC is that all human actions are attempts to meet our human needs, and that understanding and empathizing with these needs creates trust, connection, and more broadly peace.” To utilize NVC we must have the intent to understand and empathize with people we disagree with even when it appears as if their strategies threaten our own needs. Through being willing to empathize with people we disagree with, we can create a safe place for both our own, and their core needs to be met.

It is important to know the difference between strategies and needs when using NVC. Strategies are the solutions that we come up with to meet our needs. If our intent is to use a specific strategy we can over look the needs of others. On the other hand, if our intent is to meet the needs of everyone involved, the strategies can change until everyone is satisfied. Many strategies are created out of a defense that stems from a fear that our own needs will be neglected. In an attachment to a specific strategy we often over looked the needs of other people. For a clearer understanding of needs, see list A.

There was a situation in my life where I could see that the strategy I was using was not working. I regularly usher at an event where a drunken man comes in about half way through. This man’s behavior causes disturbances, which included getting up and down and mumbling to him self. This event is designed for all people and especially those in need of inspiration, so it did not feel right to ask him to leave. Before I learned to apply NVC, I spent a lot of time asking him to sit down and be quiet. Once I stopped defining him as a drunk and looked at him as a person who was trying to fulfill needs, I was ready to empathize with him.

One day like clockwork he came in half way through the program; this time I made sure to make eye contact with him (I usually tried to have as little contact as possible). Every time he got up, I asked him if he needed anything. Most of the time I would get a mumble in return, but some times he would articulate something such as, “I need to eat” and then pull a sandwich out of his coat pocket. I would then escort him out and when he finished eating his sandwich he would come back in. After two weeks of being attentive to his needs, another person working with me informed me, that he no longer was getting up and down or mumbling to himself. I discovered that the little empathy I gave him in those two weeks paid off greatly. As Rosenberg teaches, when people begin focusing on needs rather than on what is wrong with each other, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody's needs is greatly increased.

NVC Needs Inventory

Requests

Once we identify what our needs are we can make a request. There are two important aspects of making requests. The first aspect is to distinguish whether your request is in the positive or the negative. The second aspect is differentiating requests form demands. If we want to cast blame onto the other party, we will have difficulty making requests.

To make a request in the positive means you are asking for something to be done verses asking for something not to be done. When a request is made in the negative it does not give clear direction regarding the actions which would enrich each person’s life. Often when a request is stated in the negative there is an aim at controlling a situation. Rosenberg states, “The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.” When making requests it is important to keep in mind that there may be other options that will be more fulfilling to all parties involved.

Stating a request in the positive helps it to be heard as a request verses a demand. Although you do not know if a request is truly a request until it receives a no. The rejection of a request is the test to see if it really is a demand. When a demand is heard, the person hearing it has only two choices, to submit or to rebel. When a person acts from a place of submission or rebelling, they are acting from a place of having no authority. It is important, if you perceive a demand to find the needs behind it and then find other solutions to meet these needs. By doing this, you have expanded a perceived demand into a perceived request, and then you are free to choose what feels best to you.

Requesting may be the last stated step in the NVC model, but that does not mean that after a request is stated that the process is over. We request strategies to meet our needs and it is important to be open to our needs being met in a multitude of ways. Rosenberg suggests that we interpret no’s to be memnoons. A memnoon is a request that blesses the one who is asked. It is helpful to realize that as we empathize with the feelings behind the “no” the person who is saying the “no” will be developing a stronger sense of trust for us and will be more likely to agree with another request or even offer one that you did not even think of. When a “no” is received as a memnoon or as an opportunity to serve, our intent is clear of demands and focussed on fulfilling needs.

Summary

Implementing NVC consciousness and language assists us in liberating ourselves and others form the game of throwing pain balls. As long as we want to make others responsible for our own feelings, we will continue in our pain and unclear communication. When we place our needs above or below others needs, we create separation that can lead to present or future conflicts. Demanding that things be done our way can create resistance in other people. As long as we hold onto our emotional pain, we will have a hard time fully implement NVC.

NVC can be used to create harmony and connection in our day to day interactions. To utilize the tools of NVC it is important to align ourselves with the intent to stay connected to the needs that are alive in the moment. When we practice NVC, we state what we observe through the five senses and separate it from how we feel. We are aware that our feelings are a result of met and unmet needs and not the result of outer circumstances. We have the intent to value the needs of everyone we are working with. We request that which would enrich our life, and we receive a “no” as a memnoon and respond with empathy. When we have exhibited the intent behind the stages of the NVC process, we will be able to transform conversations, conflicts, and relationships.

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